


A Joker For Her Thoughts

by Ripley95



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Destroy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Mentions of Suicide, Post-Canon, Post-War, did I mention happy ending?, it's there I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 02:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15184634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ripley95/pseuds/Ripley95
Summary: It's been two years since the Reapers were destroyed. Shepard made it through the end of the war, but not without a lot of baggage and regrets. It's not until someone from her past shows up that she finally works through some of it to see the light at the end of the tunnel.Rated M because it deals with depression and thoughts of suicide, so if that's not your thing you might want to skip this one, however it does end on a happier note. Also for a brief sex scene that is non graphic and some language.





	A Joker For Her Thoughts

The music was loud and exuberant. Some notably upbeat thing that she wasn’t able to associate with in the least at the moment. To be honest, she hadn’t felt those things in a long time. Not at all in the two years since the end of the war even. Probably not since that party she threw for her crew in Anderson's old apartment right before the final push. Even then it was a struggle. Any good feelings being overshadowed by dread and anxiety for what was to come. Everything may have worked out in the end, but to her it never felt that way.

Shepard was secluding herself, leaning against the bar, nursing her 6th drink. Or was it her 10th? She didn’t particularly care at this point. She watched over the crowd that was being especially animated this evening. And why shouldn’t they be? It was a celebration after all. James and Ashley had just gotten married. It was the first time since the war that she had seen her entire old crew together in one place. It wasn’t that she wasn’t happy for them. Whatever happiness she was capable of feeling at this moment was entirely for them. They were two of her closest friends, and they were celebrating the rest of their lives together. It was a good thing, even she could see that, but it just wasn’t enough to get her out of her perpetual funk since the war ended.

She noticed some disheveled mountain looking man walk up to the bar, but barely paid any attention to him. She just assumed it must have been a family member of the bride or groom, and she wasn’t here to make small talk.

It wasn’t until she heard him order his drink that she recognized the voice. Someone she was afraid would likely be here, and had been somewhat relieved when she didn’t see him at the ceremony. She had purposely been avoiding him this whole time. Two years, and up until this moment she thought she might be able to put off this confrontation for an even more unhealthy amount of time.

The man leaned against the bar next to her, drink in hand, straightening his long beard before taking a sip. “Commander,” he said in way of acknowledging her presence.

“It’s Rear Admiral now, haven’t you heard?”

“Ah, no actually. I left the Alliance a while back. Or hadn’t you heard?”

“I guess I hadn’t,” she said quietly, staring at the floor. “It’s good to see you again, Joker.”

“Is it? You don’t seem particularly happy to see me.”

"It’s not that, it’s just..." she hesitated to find the words. In truth, as much as she had been dreading this moment, she had been meaning to seek him out to have this conversation at some point. She just kept finding reasons to push it aside. Not to mention that this was neither the time or place.

“Yeah, it’s okay. I get it.”

“No, I don’t think you do.”

“Try me.”

She let out an audible sigh. “To be honest, this really isn’t how I wanted to have this conversation.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I’m far too drunk to provide the gravity that it deserves. Plus, I didn’t want to put a damper on the party.”

“Do you want to get out of here? Maybe go grab a coffee and talk?”

“Didn’t you just get here? Don’t you want to stay and celebrate?”

“I think they’d understand,” he said with a smile as way of letting her know that he really did want to catch up with her.

She hesitated for a moment before finally agreeing. “If you’re sure. I don’t exactly feel like I belong here right now anyway.”

“Okay. Just let me go congratulate them and say goodbye.”

She nodded in affirmation, waiting for him by the bar. She watched him limp up to the happy, dancing couple. He shook James’ hand, and gave Ashley a big hug before looking back to Jane and pointing over his shoulder indicating that they were going to head out. Ashley gave her a sympathetic look as Joker walked back towards her. Shepard gave the couple a small wave herself before turning and leaving with Joker.

“It’s not exactly coffee but I picked up this great stuff from Illium while I was there last. It’s basically twice as potent as whatever coffee we have here. I have some back at my hotel room if you think you might want to try it?” he asked as they slowly walked out of the banquet hall. Shepard slowed her pace to accommodate Joker.

“Sure. Feels like I’ll need something stronger than coffee right now anyway,” she mumbled out.

She was surprised at how natural he was acting. Like no time had passed, and nothing had happened. Like they were old friends again on the _Normandy_. Perhaps with the only difference being his calmer demeanor. Something had changed about him, for that she was certain. He hadn't insulted her once, almost as though he had picked up on the fact that that was something that she really didn't need right now. Something for which wasn't typically his nature, because even when he was trying to calm her down, it usually came with humor, and more often than not it was at her expense.

That was really only a small part of her astonishment of the situation. Over the course of the last two years, she had been extremely tense any time she had thought of Joker. The consequences of her actions were ones that she knew would have hurt him deeply, and yet here he was, acting as though she hadn’t taken away the most important thing to him in the final moments of the war.

Part of her was glad that she had as much alcohol in her system as she did, otherwise she was afraid she wouldn’t have the courage to go through with this conversation at all. Fighting, she could do. Being the spearhead for an all out war, sure. Even yelling at random dignitaries to get her way, she was fine. When it came to personal confrontations on the other hand, she felt entirely out of her element. Especially in this particular case where she felt entirely responsible for someone's loss. Someone that was important to her.

“Good. I planned ahead and got a hotel right down the street here. You know me, not exactly fond of walking,” he said with that bright smile under all of his whiskers.

For the first time that she could remember, she actually smiled back. It was barely there, and more of a smirk really, but something about his sincerity had brought it out. It made her feel calm and comfortable. This was the first indication of a real emotion she had let herself feel in a long time. Or at least a happier one. Even with the conversation she knew was about to happen, it had broken through in some small capacity.

She stayed quiet and followed him to his hotel room, still not exactly feeling up to banter. After they entered, she sat on the edge of the bed as he started to brew their drinks. It was only a few minutes before he handed her a steaming mug and sat on the chair across from the bed, waiting for her to talk.

She smelled it. It smelled like coffee, but somehow earthier. She took a sip. It tasted similar to coffee, but almost like it had started to go rancid. She forced the swig down her throat, not entirely sure if she could tolerate more. She couldn’t really understand why Joker liked it, but that wasn’t really important right now. She just stared down into the cup, trying to will herself to start talking. She couldn’t face him, so she continued to look into the black pool of the mug, hating the reflection that was staring back at her.

“I’m so sorry, Joker,” she finally managed to get out.

“For what?” he asked, sounding genuinely confused.

That made her look him in the eye. “Don’t be like that!”

“Don’t be like what?” he said with more confusion, looking like he really didn't know where any of this was coming from all of a sudden.

“How can you be so nice to me? Act like I haven’t done anything to you?”

“Because you haven’t?”

“I killed EDI, Joker!" she yelled. She had never said those words out loud before. She hated the repercussions from her choice with the catalyst. She had expected to die along with everything else synthetic, but she hadn't. And now she had to live with the knowledge that she had killed her friend. That she had taken away someone that Joker cared about. They were things that she had been keeping trapped inside for no one to see. Suffering in silence as penance for her actions. Seeing Joker finally made her have to address it though, and it was all flooding out. "I took away the one thing that you had left. The one thing that you loved!”

“Shepard,” he said in a calm voice, trying to show her that he wasn’t upset.

“Don’t patronize me! I did something awful, and I hurt you. I deserve whatever hatred you have to spew at me.”

“I wasn’t trying to patronize you, Shepard. I don’t hate you, because it wasn’t your fault. None of that would have happened if it weren’t for the reapers.”

“Of course it was my fault! I destroyed the reapers, and it killed EDI!”

“You didn’t have a choice.”

“Yes I did. Didn’t you read any of the reports? I had a choice. I didn’t have to destroy anything, but I chose to destroy the reapers, and everyone else had to pay the price except me!” she yelled, as an angry tear finally forced its way down her cheek. “It was supposed to take me too,” she let out with a sob that she had clearly been trying to contain.

Joker took their drinks and placed them on the desk. He walked back and sat beside Shepard, and just held her.

She didn’t reciprocate at first, not feeling like she deserved to be comforted, especially by him. She tried to pull away, her sobbing getting even worse, but then he just hugged her tighter. This was the first time in a long time that anyone had truly held her. This was the first time that anyone had offered her something that she had been so desperately needing. The literal and metaphorical shoulder to cry on. She hadn’t let anyone see her weakness, feeling like this was all her fault. Like it was her burden to bear, but there was something freeing in starting to let go. She finally grabbed Joker and felt like she was holding on for dear life, as though he were some kind of life preserver. Maybe he was one. More than she realised.

He never once tried to let go. He just held on, even as her sobs quieted. If this was what she needed, he would be there for her, and help her through it.

She began to pull back after calming down. He mirrored her movements, but didn’t let go as she gazed into his eyes. She didn’t see the hatred she felt for herself. She didn’t even see the pity that she half expected. She just saw the look of someone who cared for her, and was concerned for her. Maybe it was the alcohol, but she could have sworn she saw something else. Longing. Perhaps even love? Of course not. She was just projecting the things that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in so long.

And maybe it was also the alcohol that was starting to make her not care if it was a projection or not. She hadn’t been touched by someone, truly touched by anyone since Thane before taking out the Collectors. It had been three long, lonely years, and now someone was offering her comfort. Not just someone. Someone that she admittedly cared deeply for. Someone that she had cared for for a very long time. Someone who had always trusted her through everything. That realisation just saddened her even more, knowing that she had broken that trust.

It was probably still the alcohol that pushed that last thought aside, and told her that she deserved to not be in this pit of despair anymore. Even if it was only temporary.

And it was definitely the alcohol that finally gave her the courage to kiss him. She kissed him deeply, and with every pent up emotion that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel for two years. She twined her fingers through his hair. It had gotten long. Almost down to his shoulders. It was weird and didn’t suit him. Neither did the beard. She kind of hated it, but was intrigued by the story they undoubtedly held. Despite her dissatisfaction with his newly found physical features, they were only a fleeting thought, as he ran his hands softly up her back.

He wasn’t pulling away. She was shocked that he was reciprocating. Meeting every one of her kisses with his own eager passion. She was in too deep now. She needed this more than she ever wanted to admit it to herself. This was the first time she had truly felt alive since she had almost died, and it was intoxicating.

She slid his jacket off without parting from his mouth. He unzipped her dress as she started unbuttoning his shirt. Her drunken stupor ensured that this task was more difficult than she would have preferred, and reluctantly pulled away from their kiss to focus on the buttons. As she slipped the sleeves off of his arms she noticed his eyes on hers. She realised that his gaze had never left her as he let her do all of the work. It was his wordless way of being certain that this is what she really wanted.

Her way of acknowledging his silent question was to slip her own arms out of her dress without leaving his gaze. It was the first time she had ever undressed in front of someone romantically since the end of the war. She had never been particularly self conscious of her new features. It was simply just the way she looked now. One of the many battle trophies won over her decorated military career. So it came as a slight surprise the way his eyes lingered on her abdomen. He moved to caress the raised flesh from where she almost bled out alone, and under a pile of rubble. She couldn’t count how many times she wished she had.

He moved to pull her into a lying position on the bed, while he helped her shimmy out of her dress. The rest of their clothes were abandoned between a mixture of light touches and gentle caresses of lips on her mouth, her neck, her collarbone.

It wasn’t long before he was inside of her, always bringing his gaze back to hers. She wondered if he was getting as lost in her eyes as she was in his.

The more time went on, the more she realised that this was starting to feel a lot less like a typical one-night stand that she had been expecting. A lot less like the frantic lay before a suicide mission that she had become accustomed to. With the constant attentiveness and affection he maintained with his eyes, and his touches, this felt a lot more like making love. Something for which she didn’t have any experience. Not that she hadn’t felt that before with Kaidan and Thane, but it was always accompanied by the frenzied actions and confused emotions that came along with the thoughts of impending death.

No. This was different. There wasn’t any looming disaster forcing them to find comfort in something. There was no grasping for a last chance to feel alive. There was only him, accepting all that she was beneath him. Not caring about her flaws, just taking away her agony.

It wasn’t long before they found release with each other, but still he didn’t leave. He just lay down beside her, enveloping her in his warmth, her back turned towards him as he pulled the covers over them. It was comforting and unexpected, and coaxed her easily into sleep as she rested her arm over his.

She had no idea how many hours later it was when she woke up with a pounding headache, her memories from the previous night still there but blurred and distorted. It was dark out, but dawn was hinting at itself as the faintest light started shining through the curtains.

There was still a warmth behind her, but Joker had turned over in his sleep to be facing the other way. She sat up, and turned to look at him, still sound asleep even with her movements. She sighed heavily as she rubbed her forehead, silently making a vow to stop drinking even if it was the only thing that remotely helped in taking her pain away. If it was only going to cause her more anguish, it wasn’t worth it anymore. It had caused her to take advantage of someone important. Someone that she had already hurt once before, and couldn’t stand facing the fact that she had used him. Especially him. Someone that she had admittedly had feelings for since even before Kaidan.

This was a mistake. She dressed quickly and stumbled out the door as quietly as possible. _‘Look at me now, Milky Way. The great Commander Shepard, afraid of a boy.’_ She’d like to think that being a Rear Admiral and sitting behind a desk had made her gone soft. It was easier than admitting the fact that she was afraid of getting close to anyone.

She had never intended for things to get this far, and she simply didn’t know how to deal with it. She didn’t know where to go or what to do. She just knew that she couldn’t stay here. Not seeing Joker for another two years was starting to sound like a good idea.

~*~*~

Two days had passed, and she naively thought she was in the clear before coming home to see Joker sitting outside the door of her apartment playing with his omni-tool. It was too late for her to back away now. He had already seen her.

She opted to wipe the stunned look off of her face, and made for the door. She didn’t quite know what to say to him, so when she got close enough, she more or less just blurted out, “Hey, Joker. I guess I wasn’t expecting to see you for another two years.” She was somewhat trying to maintain a laid back attitude with him, but could see that it had failed. There was clearly a hurt expression on his face.

“Another two years for you maybe,” he replied as she offered him her hand to help him up off of the floor.

“What?” she asked, somewhat confused as she opened the door to her apartment and showed him in.

“I said, two years for you maybe. It hasn’t been that long for me.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, sitting down her work bag on the small table by the front door.

He ignored her question for a moment as he glanced around the tiny one bedroom apartment. Painted a dull grey. No pictures on the wall. The furnishings were sparse. A TV. A small desk with a private terminal, as well as a small couch and empty coffee table. Everything seemed to have a layer of dust that suggested they were rarely ever used. He moved over to the coffee table running a finger over it to collect the dust. “Don’t stay home that often? Can’t imagine why. This place is kind of depressing, Shepard.”

She just bowed her head, not wanting to admit that it was the exact opposite. That she barely ever left save for her job and whatever errands were absolutely necessary. She also didn’t want to admit that of course it was depressing because it was a representation of her soul. She wasn’t capable of making it look any other way. She would probably never admit to anyone that this was just her vessel to keep herself alive because seemingly the one person she wasn’t capable of killing was herself. For simplicity's sake, she just said, “Something like that. But seriously, Joker. What did you mean?”

“I meant, I saw you in the hospital. You were still in a coma when the Normandy got back to Earth. As soon as I heard you were still alive, I went to see you every day.”

“No one ever told me that,” she said, truly surprised.

“Yeah, well I don’t think many people knew. Sure the old gang dropped by, but they were all needed elsewhere. Demand for able bodied people was high, it’s not like they could easily stick around. Thanks to the Vrolicks syndrome, I wasn't exactly needed much, so I stayed with you, and I don't think anyone noticed how often I was there.”

“I was just coming in to see you every day to have something to focus on. Something to avoid feeling anything. I wasn’t using the time to address the things I’d lost. It was about six months after the war ended that I finally decided that I had my own shit I had to deal with. It wasn’t exactly easy to leave you knowing that you were alone, but no one knew if you were ever even going to wake up.”

“The way I was acting wasn’t exactly healthy, so I decided to leave. Or maybe the nurses kind of wanted to kick me out at that point, but let’s not dwell on that part. I bought a small ship, and went backpacking around the galaxy you could say. As much of it that was within reach anyway. It ended up being really good for me, surprisingly. I ended up shuttling people where they needed to go. That gave me a purpose, while also giving me a chance to explore the galaxy that we helped save. Seeing it all helped me put meaning to all of our sacrifices. It was a way for me to kind of find myself and figure out where I stand now. Not exactly something I was good at, which is probably why it took me this long, but I needed it,” he said with a bit of a chuckle. Trying a bit of that good old self deprecation to try to cut the tension a bit. Shepard just looked at him solemnly, looking a bit speechless, so he continued.

“The comms were so shoddy that it took James about six months to get in contact with me, finally letting me know that you had woken up shortly after I left. You can’t imagine how much of a bummer it was to hear that if I had only waited two more weeks I could have seen you awake for myself, but at that point I was too far out. I tried connecting to you, but your contact info had changed, and it still wasn’t easy to get any kind of reasonable connection to Earth as far out as I was. It wasn’t until I finally got James and Ash’s wedding invitation about a month ago that I decided it was time to come home. As much as I rushed I wasn’t sure if I would be able to make it to the actual wedding. I literally had just made it back to Earth maybe an hour before I showed up at the reception. And there you have it. Everything to catch you up with my big life story up until now. So what’s new with you, buddy?” he jested.

She stared at him, shocked for everything that he had just admitted to her.

“Uuugh, you’re seriously not even going to offer me any booze after all that? You can’t honestly expect me to have spewed all that, and not want to get wasted immediately to forget about it did you?”

“I may have dumped all of my alcohol the morning after the wedding," she admitted, looking a bit guilty for not knowing what else to say to him.

“You’re making it sound like it was some kind of mistake.”

“Wasn’t it? Just another thing to add to my growing list of fuck-ups.”

“Pun intended?”

“Joker,” she chided.

“Oh come on, Shepard. You can’t honestly think that what we did was a mistake do you?”

“Of course it was!”

“How could you say that?!” Joker said, clearly hurt, not even trying to hide it. “I kept trying to take things slow so I could gauge your reaction. I was sure it was something you wanted.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want it.”

“Then what do you mean? What aren’t you saying? What are you trying to avoid?”

“Joker, I hurt you, which is bad enough, and something I’ve had to live with for the last two years, but then I went and took advantage of you. What kind of a person does that make me?”

“It sounds like it makes you human. Thanks for finally joining the rest of us.”

“Are you capable of taking anything seriously?”

“Sure, but come on. I already told you that you didn’t hurt me. I just can’t understand why it seems like you keep asking for forgiveness for something that doesn’t need forgiving," he said seriously. "And maybe if that’s what it’s like to be taken advantage of by you, you should do it more often,” he added, waggling his eyebrows.

“Ugh,” she scoffed while shaking her head at him. She usually liked Joker’s humorous tendencies. It was one of his charms and something that immediately drew her towards liking him in the first place, but it didn’t help when she was trying to be serious. While she was trying to put meaning to the way she’s been feeling for the past two years. Choosing to blatantly ignore his last statement, she paused momentarily before carefully trying to decide what it was she wanted to say.

“Maybe it’s just because you’re the embodiment of all of the guilt I feel. It wasn’t just EDI. It was the Geth. It was losing more people than we had to thanks to my errors in judgement, and letting Kai Leng get the better of me. It was letting the Illusive man take control of me. It was losing Anderson. Everything bad that I let happen hurts. Every one of our losses hurts. What I did to you and EDI hurts. But what I did to you and EDI was also very personal. You’re just this representation of everything that I’ve done wrong. You’re the one I’ve hurt the most because you’re the one left living with all of the pain.”

“It’s even worse because I know I made the wrong decision," she continued. "I regret it, Joker! Even when I was up there, I kept thinking this is the wrong choice! Synthesis would have been better. But this stupid tiny voice in the back of my head just kept telling me that it couldn’t be true, and it wouldn’t work because it goes against everything that we know. My instincts took over to do what I know best. All I know how to do is destroy. It’s all I told myself I could rely on, but it was a mistake! If I had done what I truly wanted, EDI would still be here, and I wouldn’t, and everything would be so much easier!”

Joker moved to try to hug her. “Shepard,” he said sympathetically.

“No. I don’t deserve your pity,” she said as she pushed him away.

All he could do was sit back and watch her, waiting for her to continue.

“Then to make matters worse, you finally come back into my life. I realised I had to stop putting things off and own up to everything and apologize, but then when I saw you, it was so easy to fall back into some kind of normalcy even if it was muddied by everything. Something about it being YOU specifically made it harder to hide my feelings. It was the most I had felt like my old self in far too long. It was intoxicating. I just needed to be touched. To be comforted, and you weren’t saying no. I used you. I betrayed your trust and our friendship.”

“Shepard, I was there too you know. I’m not sure how you usually use people for sex, but whatever we did, sure didn’t feel like a one-night stand to me.”

“You felt that too, huh? I guess I just figured we were both drunk and that I was reading too much into it.”

“Did you forget that I had just gotten there? I didn’t even finish one drink. Everything you were getting was all genuinely me.”

“Hmm. I guess I had forgotten that part. What are you trying to say, Joker?”

“Well I didn’t think I needed to actually say it, but I have feelings for you, Jane.”

Shepard looked up at him now. She was startled by his admission, but even more so by the use of her first name. Even to this day no one uses it. She wasn’t even sure if he knew it until now.

He continued, “If I’m being really honest, I’ve kind of had feelings for you for a long time. Like SR-1 days. But… well… I was never like Kaidan. I wasn’t exactly fond of the idea of making things complicated by trying to be in a relationship with my commanding officer. And well, then EDI came along. I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty, okay, but yes I did really love her. She was a big reason for why I had to leave after the war. I mourned her, just like I mourned my dad and my sister. I still miss her and love her. That probably won’t ever fully go away. But it doesn’t mean that life doesn’t go on. I’ve come to a certain level of peace with it.”

Shepard shook her head, trying to hold back tears, before she huffed out, “Yeah, I know what that’s like.”

Joker moved his gaze to the floor. If anyone could understand the things that he had been dealing with, it was Shepard.

“If we’re just putting everything out on the table, and I’m going to be really honest, I’ve had feelings for you too. Probably just as long as you have. I guess it was really more of a silly crush in the earlier days though. Same with Kaidan. I never wanted or intended to go against the regs though, especially being the commanding officer. Not with either of you. But then with how high risk the mission was getting, and when it was obvious that my feelings for Kaidan were reciprocated, it was hard not to go against them. I know Kaidan and I weren’t together very long, but I think I may have loved him.”

“And then, there you were on the SR-2," she continued, with tears still threatening to spill. "My feelings for you hadn’t really changed at that point. I still really liked you, but back then I was still mourning Kaidan. For everyone else it had been two years, but for me it still felt like it had only happened months ago. I won’t lie though, since we didn’t have to worry about Alliance Regs anymore, the thought of seeing if you were interested had crossed my mind more than once. But every time I thought about it seriously, all I could think about was how hard it was being in Love with Kaidan, and then being responsible for his death on Virmire. Just because I wasn’t in the Alliance anymore, didn’t change the risks of our work, and I didn’t want to potentially put myself in that kind of situation again.”

“None of that changed the fact that I was still really lonely though. And then Thane joined us. There was something comforting in the way that he thought about life and death, that made me think I could try being with him. He sounded so at peace with his fate, and I already knew that his death was inevitable. I thought that it might hold some level of comfort knowing that he was ready. That ended up being really fucking stupid though, because I still fell in love with him. It still hurt like hell when he died,” she said, shaking her head at herself before she continued.

“Then one night, not too long after Thane’s death, there you were in Purgatory. I was feeling particularly bad for myself, and almost said 'to hell with it.' I was about to ask you if you were interested. But then you beat me to the punch, and asked me if I thought it would be a good idea if you and EDI got together. You have no idea how difficult it was for me to put on my big girl pants and say yes. Every selfish instinct in my head was yelling at me to say no, and that you should consider looking at who was standing right in front of you instead. Luckily rationale won out, because it wasn’t a lie. I thought you and EDI would be perfect for each other, and I still think you were. I just wanted you to be happy. And you were happy. It made me finally decide that I didn’t deserve to have anyone, because everyone I ever loved ended up dying anyway. First, my parents on Mindoir, then Kaidan and Thane. Death tends to follow me, and I didn’t want to end up burdening you with that. Funny, because in the end, I still ended up burdening you with it, just in an entirely different way.”

Joker finally cut in, “Alright, are you going to let me talk for a minute?”

Shepard had spent two whole years justifying her feelings with how things turned out, and she really didn’t want to be told otherwise, but she knew that Joker wasn’t going to leave well enough alone, so she just nodded reluctantly.

“I’m going to say this as many times as it needs to be said, Shepard: You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s important that you know that. This was everyone’s burden to bear, even if it may not feel like it, because if you had done nothing, there would be no galaxy left right about now. Are you the one that had to make an impossible choice all by yourself? Yes. But the only reason it had to be you is because you were the only one with enough strength, will and good luck to even make it all the way up to the Crucible alive. Are you the one who pushed the big metaphorical button to blast the Reaper’s to pieces? Yes. But you can’t blame yourself for making a choice. That entire war had always been about how to _destroy_ them. People were dying all around you, and you were running out of time. Not to mention the fact that you were bleeding to death, and had just had your brain rattled by a reaper beam not long before that. How is anyone supposed to even decide something as simple as what to have for dinner under those circumstances, much less how to save the galaxy?”

She stared at him momentarily, trying to hear what he had to say, but it all just felt like deflection.

“Even if you’re right, I still have to accept the consequences of my decisions, Joker.”

“Yeah, sure, I get that. But it’s not healthy to dwell on things you can’t change either. There are healthier ways of dealing with it. Honestly, it kind of sounds like you’ve been avoiding all of your problems up until now.”

She bowed her head reluctantly. He was right.

“Maybe. Maybe I just don’t think I deserve the reprieve,” she said, as Joker truly noticed how empty she looked in that moment.

“Shepard. I think it’s time that you try to talk to someone.”

“I’m talking to you aren’t I?”

“Yes, you are. And from what I’ve heard that’s actually a very good thing, so don’t get me wrong, I’m glad for it,” he said with a pause before continuing. “You know our friends are worried about you, right? They’ve brought me up to speed on a lot of things in the last two days. They told me that you’re way more distant than before. More withdrawn. That even when you’re spending time with them it’s almost like you’re not really there. It’s like you’ve turned into some kind of robot.”

Jane simply replied, “you wish,” with a bit of a smirk on her face.

Joker was taken aback by the statement. “I’m sorry, what was that?”

“I said, you wish I was a robot,” her smirk turning into an outright smile.

Joker barked out a laugh. “You did not seriously just make that joke. Shepard! That was in such poor taste!”

“Too much?” she asked, looking genuinely remorseful.

“Just a bit. Although, to be fair, I think EDI would have appreciated it, which is the only reason I’m not offended right now.”

“Good.”

“Hey, I’m just glad that you seem to at least be a little more open around me. I mean, I could definitely see what everyone was saying by the way I found you at the bar. Usually you’d be out enjoying the party too, you know. But I’m glad you were able to open up about everything. Even if I don’t think you have anything to be sorry about, you clearly think so, and it’s affecting you deeply. But talking to me isn’t going to be enough, and I’m worried about you. Something tells me, you may have been lying about going out a lot.”

“What gave it away?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe how much our friends say they always ask you to come out and join them, but rarely ever do. You know they’re worried about you too right?”

“I guess I hadn’t noticed. I’ve been too concerned with living through this punishment.”

“See, that’s what I mean, you have to stop punishing yourself. You never had to go through any of this alone. You just closed yourself off.”

“Yeah, I guess I might be starting to see that,” she conceded.

“Good. So will you promise me you’ll get some help?”

She hesitated for a moment. Joker had a point, as much as she may not have wanted to admit it to herself. It had been so freeing to just talk to him about it. She was starting to feel like some semblance of her old self again. Like maybe there was a way to turn off this autopilot that she was afraid she would be stuck in until she died. Just living her life out, in this greyscale, meaningless prison she had created for herself. She was starting to see colour again, and she wanted more of it, or at least wanted to try.

“Okay,” she said, and she meant it. “Yeah. Hackett’s offered to set me up with someone a couple of times in passing. Maybe it’s time. Overdue really.”

“Good, I’m glad you see it that way,” he said with a smile before moving past her.

She had assumed that he was satisfied with their conversation and he was going to leave. But then she heard the fridge door open instead.

“Jesus Shepard, where’s all the food?” he asked while pulling out a half used loaf of moldy bread.

“I usually just order takeout. Why? Are you planning on staying?”

“Uh… duh? We’re like totally boyfriend and girlfriend now, right?” he said in a dumb accent as he twirled his hair around his finger “Why would I go anywhere?”

“I guess I missed that memo.”

“Oh, our mutual admissions of our feelings weren’t enough to make that obvious? Look, Shepard, I wasn’t lying when I said all of that. My feelings haven’t changed. Well actually, no, I take that back. I think they changed a lot a few nights ago. That time we spent together made me know without a doubt that I love you. I know it may sound a little crazy to admit that after one night together, but it’s more than that, you know? We’ve known each other for 5 years now. A part of me has loved you for a long time, it’s just now that love is deeper.”

Shepard was starting to tear up now, and quickly wiped them away.

“Those better be tears of realising your feelings for me are the same, otherwise I’m about to be the one looking like a dejected puppy everywhere I go. I didn’t just admit to all that just for you to tell me I’m insane,” he said, jokingly as he walked over to hug her.

“No. No, you’re not insane. I love you too, Jeff. I guess I was just afraid you would think I was too broken to deal with.”

“Oooh, Jeff, huh? That’s how I know you must be serious.”

“Ugh, Joker,” she scoffed out, while hitting him on the shoulder.

“Hey, don’t go back to Joker already. And yeah, you’re definitely a little broken. That’s okay. If you could find anyone who isn’t at least a little bit broken right now they must have just been born in the last two years. But anyway, I’m serious. I love you, and if you’re willing, I want to give this a shot, Jane. And I promise to try to do anything within my power to help you through this in whatever way works for you. Don’t forget that I went through something similar of my own. It doesn’t sound quite as serious as what you’re going through, and I don’t think you’ll find the help you’re looking for by going on a massive voyage like I did, but I know something about what you’re feeling.”

“Thanks, Jeff. That means everything to me.”

“I just don’t want you to have to suffer anymore if you don’t have to.”

Jane couldn’t hold back, any longer, she just grabbed him delicately by the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. It felt even better than their night together. It held hope, and promise, and life, and she had wanted it more than she had ever realised.

Joker pulled away slightly. “Should I be taking that as a ‘yes I, like totally want to be your girlfriend’ kiss?” he asked in that dumb voice again.

“Yes, Jeff,” she answered, and reluctantly in her own dumb voice, continued with “I like totally want to be your girlfriend.” But then back into her more stern voice, she added, “but this has seriously got to go,” she said referring to his beard and long hair.

Joker scoffed in mock offense. “My girlfriend for all of two minutes and already you’re trying to change me?!”

Jane laughed. “You’re right, I’m sorry. If you love it that much, it really doesn’t matter.”

“Nah, I’m just yankin’ you around. I actually kind of hate it. The beard’s itchy, and long hair is so hot. And I mean in the temperature way. Seriously, I don’t know how you guys do it.”

Jane just shrugged her shoulders. She tended to agree with that sentiment, but she had also never had her hair be particularly short, so she didn’t know any other way. “Maybe you can wait until the morning to shave it off. That way I can spend one more night with the mountain man,” she said a bit coyly now.

“Mountain man huh? Sure, whatever you say. But first how about we have a real dinner.”

“That sounds good. Do you want to order out?”

“No, I said a real dinner, woman,” he berated jokingly.

“But I have no food.”

“So we’ll fix that. We’ll go get everything from my hotel so I can check out, and then we’ll go pick up some groceries and cook something. How does that sound?”

“That sounds like you’ve already moved yourself into my place,” she said with a smile.

“Yeah, man, hotels are expensive. And I like the sound of being a Rear Admiral’s house maid.”

Jane just shook her head and laughed.

“Look, sorry if I’m being a bit presumptuous. I didn’t exactly mean to be moving myself in already. I more just figured that we could spend some real time together and see what we want this to be, if it becomes permanent then great, if we want to take it more slow, then that’s great too. If you don’t want me to stay here yet, just say the word.”

“No, let’s try it. Let’s go get your stuff. And a real meal sounds lovely.

“Great. Then how about you get changed out of that stuffy Rear Admiral’s uniform so we can get out of here already,” he said with a prodding smile, before they went on with their day.

For the rest of that evening Shepard had felt more normal than she had in a long time. She was almost shocked at how easily she was able to fall back into feeling like herself again now that the weight of the galaxy wasn’t bearing down on her shoulders. She knew that this was only the beginning, and that she would still have a lot of work to do to fully make sure that weight wouldn't continue to follow her around everywhere. But for once she had finally felt something that she hadn’t since the end of the war, and that was hope.

She was easily able to find joy in the little things, like their time out grocery shopping and making simple plans of what concoctions they could conjure up with their selections of food. The cooking had been even better as they caught up on the little stories that they had of the last two years. Joker had significantly more memories to share than Shepard, but she liked hearing them all the same.

As they sat down to dinner, Joker had put some music on for them to eat to. Shepard had no idea what the song was, but it didn’t really matter. It was some notably upbeat thing. For the first time since she woke up from almost dying again, she felt like she could actually hear it. And even if only a little bit, it was something that she could finally relate to again. Something upbeat and filled with life.


End file.
